It's 5 AM so I gotta keep this short. Evil Minion is trying to convince me to go to bed, cause that's when she gets her crunchies.
I'm one day behind in my blog reading again. But it's okay, I blame it on the Topamax. Which one wise Betty pointed out, sounds like Tampax. That can't be good.
One of my friends was concerned by my description of Topamax side effects. I understand some people don't like to take drugs that might f*** with their brains. I can't say it super bothers me. Because...
1. Well, I'm just not so attached to this life that I'm determined to keep it forever. "This causes cancer! This causes death!" Yes yes. I WILL die one day. But that's a post for another day.
2. I'm not anti-"natural remedies" but I'm not anti-science either.
3. The thing about my original malady, having headaches every single day, all day, is that that has side effects too. Chronic headaches also cause foggy thinking. And depression. And frustration and aggression. I can't wear glasses, hats, headphones, or anything else on my head. It gets to a point where I can't read, do work/homework, or concentrate. So... anytime I take a new drug I'm just weighing the side effects of the drug against the "side effects" of having headaches all the time.
4. I'm an intellectually curious person. This will sound insensitive but... I would probably like to experience what it's like to feel suicidal, if it were in a controlled setting. (Topamax has this effect on a small number of people, in a short period of time.) Because then I could understand how that feels. I've never felt suicidal, but I know many who have.
What I have experienced with Top, is what it's like to have uncontrollable crying, or to feel like your emotions are on edge. And to feel hopeless. To borrow a phrase someone else used, Hopelessness was never on the Mabel Menu until this past February. It wasn't pleasant, and I'm thankful I only felt it in a narrow way (towards my marriage), but it was a great learning experience. Or empathetic experience. I can't say I want to give that up, or that I regret it.
My parents will recall that when I had to have jaw surgery, at 16, I was excited because it would be good experience. Everything in those days was seen through the lens of: This is good experience for my writing!
And so... on we go with Topamax, 100 mg. Today I had a completely clear day, except for the last hour. Which always happens when I DON'T GO TO BED ON TIME. Well, I can try one of my new painkillers then. Goodnight!
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My drug can take the world's troubles on its shoulders
I decided to cross-post a personal entry today. :-)
Some background info.
1. This past winter my husband and I came to a bit of a crisis point in our marriage. No new issues, just a higher need to finally resolve old ones. And before you express sympathy for me, I've been more of the guilty party. :-( I actually made myself a star chart to form some new better marriage habits. (Not stars, though. Stickers of kitties and dogs.) (You won't believe how motivated I am by stickers.) Anyway, we got through the worst of it, and we intend to go to counseling later, so all is well.
But the salient info is that almost every time we fought I ended up crying. And to the point that I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. And one day in February, outside of a comic book store on a busy street, set off by something truly meaningless, I started crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop. This has never happened to me before. It was intellectually interesting. But it also turned out to be the turning point. A week later, after a speech by my husband, and a day of philosophizing while riding around on the bus, I pulled myself out of my general breakdown. But I do still cry easily.
2. I got a cold in February, which landed in my lungs. Once the cold cleared up, my lungs remained inflamed and I've had a cough ever since. Two weeks ago my GP gave me a pump, and it's pretty much gone now.
3. I've had chronic headaches since I was 20 (I'm 37). For a couple years I've been seeing a specialist. I take a daily medication (Elavil) that's helped a lot, and I have good drugs for getting rid of headaches when they come. In January I started a second daily med to prevent headaches. I reached the full dosage my doc was starting me at in February.
Today's Story
Today I went to see my headache doctor and we talked about the Topamax. I'd read about the side effects when I first went on it, but I don't tend to remember everything. And I'm not a worrier, so I don't look for side effects. When I started getting a lot of pins and needles, I remembered it was a side effect. When I was sick and found myself getting hot too easily, I realized I was sweating less and remembered it was a side effect. One day in February I had a Coke that tasted flat even though it wasn't flat, and hours later I remember it was a side effect (isn't that totally weird?)
But I forgot that one possible side effect is sluggish thinking, for example. Probably because I wouldn't want to remember that. I remembered today when she asked me about it. I told her that when I learn new French words, they seem to stick, so no, I don't think it's been a problem.
Then she asked me, how are my moods? I didn't know what she meant. She asked if I was feeling angry, or aggressive? No. Was I crying more?
... !!
Yeeees. I told her about my marriage problems.
She asked if the crying was uncontrollable.
!!!!
I told I thought I'd been having a nervous breakdown!
She kept asking more questions, I assume until she was comfortable I wasn't going into a depression, before upping my Topamax dose. And she said if the side effects get too bad, then to just cut my dose back again.
Just now I went back to re-read the side effects. I can see why the moods thing didn't stick with me, cause it's very broad. It doesn't say "uncontrollable crying" -- that might be something she's run into in her practice, or in journals etc.
BUT. It does say: upper respiratory tract infections.
So the thing is... I'm now going to blame everything in my life on Topamax. Got a cold? It's the Topamax. Marriage problems? Topamax. Cats fighting? Must be the Topamax. Not in the mood to do any chores? Obviously it's the Topamax.
Feel free to blame your problems on my drug too. My drug is big enough to handle it.
Some background info.
1. This past winter my husband and I came to a bit of a crisis point in our marriage. No new issues, just a higher need to finally resolve old ones. And before you express sympathy for me, I've been more of the guilty party. :-( I actually made myself a star chart to form some new better marriage habits. (Not stars, though. Stickers of kitties and dogs.) (You won't believe how motivated I am by stickers.) Anyway, we got through the worst of it, and we intend to go to counseling later, so all is well.
But the salient info is that almost every time we fought I ended up crying. And to the point that I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. And one day in February, outside of a comic book store on a busy street, set off by something truly meaningless, I started crying uncontrollably and couldn't stop. This has never happened to me before. It was intellectually interesting. But it also turned out to be the turning point. A week later, after a speech by my husband, and a day of philosophizing while riding around on the bus, I pulled myself out of my general breakdown. But I do still cry easily.
2. I got a cold in February, which landed in my lungs. Once the cold cleared up, my lungs remained inflamed and I've had a cough ever since. Two weeks ago my GP gave me a pump, and it's pretty much gone now.
3. I've had chronic headaches since I was 20 (I'm 37). For a couple years I've been seeing a specialist. I take a daily medication (Elavil) that's helped a lot, and I have good drugs for getting rid of headaches when they come. In January I started a second daily med to prevent headaches. I reached the full dosage my doc was starting me at in February.
Today's Story
Today I went to see my headache doctor and we talked about the Topamax. I'd read about the side effects when I first went on it, but I don't tend to remember everything. And I'm not a worrier, so I don't look for side effects. When I started getting a lot of pins and needles, I remembered it was a side effect. When I was sick and found myself getting hot too easily, I realized I was sweating less and remembered it was a side effect. One day in February I had a Coke that tasted flat even though it wasn't flat, and hours later I remember it was a side effect (isn't that totally weird?)
But I forgot that one possible side effect is sluggish thinking, for example. Probably because I wouldn't want to remember that. I remembered today when she asked me about it. I told her that when I learn new French words, they seem to stick, so no, I don't think it's been a problem.
Then she asked me, how are my moods? I didn't know what she meant. She asked if I was feeling angry, or aggressive? No. Was I crying more?
... !!
Yeeees. I told her about my marriage problems.
She asked if the crying was uncontrollable.
!!!!
I told I thought I'd been having a nervous breakdown!
She kept asking more questions, I assume until she was comfortable I wasn't going into a depression, before upping my Topamax dose. And she said if the side effects get too bad, then to just cut my dose back again.
Just now I went back to re-read the side effects. I can see why the moods thing didn't stick with me, cause it's very broad. It doesn't say "uncontrollable crying" -- that might be something she's run into in her practice, or in journals etc.
BUT. It does say: upper respiratory tract infections.
So the thing is... I'm now going to blame everything in my life on Topamax. Got a cold? It's the Topamax. Marriage problems? Topamax. Cats fighting? Must be the Topamax. Not in the mood to do any chores? Obviously it's the Topamax.
Feel free to blame your problems on my drug too. My drug is big enough to handle it.
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