Holy crap meditating works

I said yesterday that I only set one goal this year. But I was working on things. Mostly mindfulness and meditation. I didn't meditate every day, but it has become a habit. Especially if I'm feeling tired and skittish, or depressed, or upset.

My technique is this: To sit quietly (in my bedroom, in the break room at work) and start counting my breaths. Nice deep ones, cause they really help to regulate emotion I've discovered. It's harder to cry or feel butterflies in the stomach if you're breathing deeply. I also followed the advice of one yoga dude to count OUT and then IN rather than the opposite way. So that each count is ending on a high note (breathing in new air, new life) rather than a down note (breathing out the stale air). Maybe it's silly, but it requires a bit more concentration, so then I focus more on that, and less on my problems.

Once the breathing's going, then I just listen to everything around me. I become mindful of my surroundings. I listen to the traffic, or the tick of the clock, or the people around me on the train speaking Chinese. I might keep my eyes on one spot, but try to take in what's in my peripheral vision. Anything to get the brain focusing on the NOW. This moment right now. Not what's just happened, not my worries about the future, just the moment I'm in.

I also remember one advice from Deepak Chopra: The most important being in the world is the one in front of you right now.

Sometimes my emotions are so upset, I can't get away from them. So then I just try to sit with them, with acceptance. I'm allowed to be worried, heart broken, etc.

I would do that for 1 - 5 minutes. Just trying to give the right brain space to breathe. Cause the right side lives in the moment, doesn't care what people think of it, doesn't worry--it just is. And it's more connected to the emotional cues coming from the body.

So here's are the cool things I learned from this:

(1) I had read that emotion starts in the body, and then goes to the right side of the brain. And by being more mindful of my body, I realized it's true. Butterflies in the stomach, or light headedness, or warmth in the arms, or a rapidly beating heart... there were all kinds of physical reactions I became aware of while meditating. Once aware of them, I could change them. Once they died down, then my emotions settled down. Cause I was no longer sending panicky cues to my brain.

(2) The short-term effect (right after meditating) wasn't to feel jolly. I would end up feeling sort of neutral. My body was calm, and I'd go along with my day. Have my lunch, watch TV, read a book, whatever.

(3) Here's the really neat part... I noticed a LONG term effect. I noticed that later in the day, or the week, I was no longer stressing over whatever had upset me. My problems didn't have quite as strong a hold on me.

For example, one day I was pissed off at someone. I vented to my parents, then went off to my room for the evening. I meditated for a minute or two, then went on with my TV watching. Hours later I suddenly realized: I'm not thinking about this person anymore. I haven't thought about it for hours. I don't feel the least bit upset.

WTF!!!

That happened a couple times. Things that I know would normally be preying on my mind, keeping me awake at night, etc. ...I just wasn't obsessing over them. I know that in the past, even if I forgot about something upsetting for, say, an hour, once I thought about it again it would trigger my emotions again. I would be hit by butterflies in the stomach, or whatever. But that's happening less and less.

I don't think any of this is showing on the outside. I think people still see me as stressed and skittish. But I can see the difference inside and it's vair vair interesting.
 

Outside Moi is clashing with Inner Moi

So here's something on my mind lately...

Last year I was working a bit for an artist, but our personalities weren't meshing. She read me as someone who has a need to please, and she even implied I should be in therapy for it. ...This was weird to me, cause I'm not a particularly needy or insecure person.

Later in the year I was practicing driving with my dad; cause I haven't owned a car in over 10 years, but might need to sometimes borrow my parents car. I felt comfortable, confident. It felt natural and all the old tricks and tips and laws returned to me. But if I have someone with me who knows more than me, I like to ask questions. I like to get opinions. I would ask my dad: Did I pull in too far at this intersection? ...That sort of thing.

And my dad kept telling me, It's ok it's ok, you're doing well, you need to have more confidence in your decisions.

And I knew he was picking up on the same thing the artist did--I realized that I'm coming off as lacking confidence, indecisive, skittish.

At the new job, the co-worker I interact with the most has also said the same thing.

What's frustrating is that I don't FEEL that way. I feel just fine. I only start getting nervous when people keep telling me to calm down. Cause then I think: What the hell am I DOING that makes me come off this way? Frackity frack!

I don't fret about the actual mistakes I make... I fret over how I'm being perceived. It's annoying.

So here's what I'm wondering...

(a) Have I always been this way, and it's only showing now cause I'm in a new environment?

(b) Am I just being an exaggerated version of my usual self? For example, I am an indecisive person... I like to take time before making decisions. That is part of Real Me. But is Indecisive Moi just puffing up more cause of my depression?

(c) Is this stuff Not Me at all, and the depression/stress of the year is creating the problem?

(d) Is this partly a side effect from the medication I started 1 year ago?

I suspect it's (b) with a touch of (d). I let my co-worker know what's going on in my personal life, a little bit, so that she understands where this is coming from. She's got some stuff going on too, so sometimes we're a bit crazy when out on the floor together, and make fun of ourselves for it.

Anyway. I'm hoping this weirdness will settle itself down. But in the meantime I just have to stay in touch with Moi. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks I'm lacking in confidence, all that matters is how I feel inside. Right? Right.

12 Days of 2012 - 5 - Moving!

Here are the entertainment bits that most moved me this year.

Doctor Who Last Christmas Fernando and I hunkered down with our treats, and watched back to back Who specials. They were all touching.

Maus I & II Spiegelman showed everyone just how brilliant a graphic novel can be.

Parenthood Everyone knows this is where you go for your weekly cry (or two or three.)

Top 10 (1 & 2) I re-read it and made my mum read it. Super imaginative, funny, wonderful characters, and often very moving...

... like the storyline about a traffic accident and the two victims just sitting, dying together. (Click to see bigger.)

King Lear Rewatched one of my fave series ever, Slings & Arrows -- which contains several moving scenes from King Lear. So I also re-read the play.

  

 Ce qu'il faut pour vivre (The Necessities of Life) Beautiful movie. Not sappy, just kind, with the understated message that one of the necessities of life is human contact.

West Wing Rewatched all the Sorkin seasons this year. Unlike the entertaining-train-wreck that is The Network, this is Sorkin at the nadir of his talent. MASH-like in its combo of politics, funny, and moving. Ranks with Buffy as some of the greatest television ever.

A Christmas Carol I love a good redemption story.

Trying to slog my way out of 2012...

I've been pretty tuned out this month. Tired. Behind on emails and writing group and blog reading... I can only surmise that the stress of this past year is still working its way out of my system.

Though nothing's official yet, I've been told they're keeping me at my job (at the thrift store.) So that might help me relax a bit. Nice job, nice people, having an income... maybe I'll settle down a bit.

I've been taking a "go with the flow" approach to life this year. Trying to have few expectations, take opportunities as they come. Now I have to decide whether that will be my approach in 2013 as well. Or maybe I don't have to decide. Maybe I just go with the flow. ;-)

I only set one actual goal this year, which was to read 100 books--cause I usually read about 50. So this month I've been working on hitting that mark, and I'm almost there!

It helped that for Christmas (23rd-26) I went to my mum's in Vancouver. That meant 3 hours of travel time in which to read, and 3 hours back again. And the internet connection where she now is (her house is sold, she's staying with a friend for now) -- the internet connection is TERRIBLE. And she doesn't have any TV cable set up yet. So I read read read.

I read two Regency romances while there, and I'm half-way through a third (Nine Rules to Break When Romancing a Rake.) I have 1/5th of a Meg Cabot to finish, 1/2 of a Ruth Rendell, and to finish skim reading the Brene Brown. Or I can finish re-reading Cyrano, which is short. And then I'll be done! So I'm confident I'll meet my goal. (It helps that all the TV shows are on Christmas break.)

Best of Minion Vs the Christmas Tree

I got it thrift! Christmas edition

I have more Christmas ornaments that I can use on one tree, but our first Christmas with Minion taught us that she sees the tree as one big cat toy. I didn't mind her attacks on the tree, which hit its apex when I woke one day to find her hanging out in the top of it...

But she eats lights! Occasionally the lights would go out and I'd inevitably find some mauled up socket.

So this year I sought out soft ornaments, or ones without little pieces for her to break off and accidentally swallow. And the next time we have an xmas together I'll build a new Minion Safe cat toy tree for her to destroy.

Since we sell most ornaments as just big grab bags of stuff, I picked out the bags that contained a couple ornaments I wanted...

And then some of the other things I might keep...

What's fun about thrift ornaments is you get every style. Like CUTE...

HOLY...

HOMEMADE...

and WTF WHY DOES THIS ANGEL HAVE A PUSHUP BRA??

I also got lots of cute cards. In fact, there was a large number of cat and dog themed cards, just perfect for the kinds of people I know!