I was chatting with someone awhile ago who was having a Moment of Doubt about some past decisions re. schooling and such. They're in their 30s now, and feeling the pressure to only make The Right Decisions now. Like, if they take a course to help their career path along, it has to be the right course, cause there's no time or money for f***ing up. And this person was thinking about the past ten years, and how much they might have accomplished in the field they have NOW chosen, if they had chosen it back then.
I understand the feeling. I always knew I wanted to teach Cegep (Quebec college) for which you just need an MA, but at the end of my English BA I was no longer living at home, and I wasn't sure how to finance an MA right away (the concept of using student aid was foreign to me--I have huge fears of debt). And I was quite, quite brain-tired.
I was working full-time at a bookstore, and a few years later I was promoted to management. And every time I thought about going back to do my MA, it never felt Quite Right. I'm a strong believer in making sure big decisions feel RIGHT before I do them, so I continued on my path. But I eventually returned to school, this time in political science (rightness!), did a BA and MA, and graduated in 2008. All the while keeping my same job, part-time.
I have never regretted those decisions, but the reality is this: The big hiring window in the Cegep system happened 10 years ago, around the time I accepted my first management promotion. No job materialized at graduation time, so I took a management promotion again, which wasn't much fun (hence my finally leaving the company.)
It could be years, now, before I get a teaching job, if ever. ...Does THAT make me regret the choices I made ten years ago? It almost did.
But.
I am the woman I am today because of those last 10-15 years. Most of my best friends were made at that job. I gained tons of great skills there, most of them applicable to teaching. I amassed a gorgeous collection of books. And I would probably be teaching English Lit, as opposed to having spent 5 awesome years studying the Middle East, gender and sexuality in the Middle East, developing areas, development economics, and political science.
I'm currently reading a very interesting blog by a woman who did get hired as an English Cegep teacher ten years ago--I'm reading the entire thing, chronologically. Right now I'm in 2007, and at the time she was struggling with burnout, frustration at the system, the feeling of no longer being inspired and energized by students, and so forth. All the same feelings I had at my job last year. In fact, some of our experiences are so parallel it's spooky. (Okay I was never inspired by selling, but I mean, re. the aspects of the job that I had used to enjoy.)
If I had become a Cegep teacher ten years ago, would I be burned out on teaching, the way I burned out on retail management? Hard to say, but after ten years I would be struggling with Something. Some kind of tiredness, need for rejuvenation, need for inspiration, etc. Maybe I'd be tired of English and wishing I'd studied some other topic, and not even sure what that was.
And if my friend had gone into their now-chosen-métier ten years ago, they too might be disillusioned with it today, or dislike it in some way, or have fallen into the wrong arm of the industry, and be dreaming they were in Some Other Aspect of the business... such as the very aspect that my friend is presently in.
Regretting the road not taken is like thumbing through People magazine, sighing over the glamorous life that Alternate Universe You is living because of the sweet choices she made when she was 20. Meanwhile Alternate Universe You is thumbing through US magazine regretting all the dumb choices she made at 20, and wishing she was you.
If I get a teaching job in a few years, I'll be 40, which means I might not experience any job boredom/frustration/doubts til I'm 50 or 55. Or maybe I won't have quite that experience, because I'll be starting a career at a later stage of life, with 15 years of experience under my belt from another industry, with 40 years of self-knowledge, and teaching topics I took an interest in later in life. If it happens for me, it might turn out to be a richer experience than I would have had at 25 or 30. Just as I'm positive my friend's many years' of experience have created the perfect soil for their current endeavor.
Unless we can time travel, we really only have two choices: Think negative thoughts about the road not taken, or positive ones. So if I may take a page from Julie's book--I choose to be thankful to, and honor, the road I've chosen in life. I like positive feedback, so I figure my road does too, and she will appreciate the pat on the back, and respond in kind.
Am I being too positive? Are there some career roads that you really can't unregret?
Alanis Morissette says thank-you to the Universe
6 comments:
The only real regret I have about my training is that I dropped out of a creative writing program that would have allowed me to study in England for a semester. I switched to education and I truly believe it's where I can do the most good.
But I have this picture in my mind of myself sitting in a window seat in that old drafty dormitory I'd seen pictures of--chewing my pen, writing in a journal and thinking how damn good it would have been.
That being said, I believe firmly that we do the best we can with what we have at the time. That program was wrong for me--I felt it. I needed to be in a different place, no matter how stinkin fun the other place could have been if I'd been braver or more patient.
I sometimes think that regrets are like looking through an old photograph album. (which was what we had in the olden days before digital picture frames)
When looking at the actual photo we remember the events surrounding the taking of the picture, and remember the emotions we felt. Andwith a turn of the page another image comes into view and we remember that one.
When we put the album back on the shelf we may feel the lingering emotions as they ebb away, but we move on.. perhaps taking more pictures of what and who we are today.
Perhaps that's how we can unregret our past. Recognise and honour it and then let it go back to where it belongs, on the shelf. Not completely forgotten, but out of the way.
I switched majors from English to technology & education because of the job market. I doubt I would be in a PhD program now if I hadn't made that move, but sometimes I do wish I had taken all the English courses. Then again, you don't need a degree to write, so nothing's really holding me back there.
@lora - Ah yes, hard to regret England. You will have to take a trip with Sweat Pea as a graduation gift!
@widdershins - It's a good analogy. Cause you also don't want to end up with boxes and boxes of photos that you spend all your time with and never put away--a few nice albums, put in their place!
@bonafide - And you don't need a degree to read all the nice books too. It's nice to have the insight of those few really great profs, but you also missed out on the mind numbingly boring ones. And a well written book on an English lit period you love will give you the same thing. -> But for writing itself, no you really don't need the degree. ...And you have a job you enjoy!
Oh Em Gee! Thanks so much for the shout out M'dear. Yep, looking back only makes our neck hurt. Far better to keep marching on.
Julie
lol
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