The Betty-sized Hole in My Soul?

I don't think I've mentioned my stovetop method for Big Decision Making. If I'm wondering about big things like "should we get a house" "should I return to school" I imagine taking out a pot, making up a House Dish, and setting it to cook. Sometimes I'm actively working on it--adding ingredients, stirring--and other times it's sitting on a backburner, just simmering. Once in awhile I take off the lid to see if it's ready, or if it needs more time. If I let big decisions take their own sweet cooking time, I don't regret them. (I can only think of one example where a dish was ready, I ignored its readiness, and it burned.) Here's a story about one of those decisions.

THE CHURCH BURNER
In 1997 I wasn't renominated to the Board of Directors of our wee church. I was the only young person on it (23) and one of the only women. I was disappointed cause I loved doing it, but I decided it just meant I was not the vision the deacons and elders had for the church. (To this day Fernando's convinced it's because he had breakfast with one of the deacons and told him that we loved the Howard Stern show--which we did. lol.)

I know I was still attending a bit in 1997, but it was just because the people were absolutely wonderful. Warm, generous, kind, beautiful people. But I was no longer learning. It was like reaching the end of your university degree where you start getting bored. And since I didn't agree with most Christians' beliefs about homosexuality, abortion, women ministers and so forth, I couldn't be authentic. I could love people, care, joke, and listen; but I couldn't talk about my real ideas.

So with no bitterness I moved on. I had long intellectual conversations with my buddies, and I decided that would be good enough until one day either some kind of church, or small group, would enter my life again. I'd know it when I saw it. In the meantime there's really only two people two whom I fully express my spiritual beliefs, and that's my friend Maewitch, and my dad. My dad is a very intelligent and open-minded Christian so I don't even feel like I'm missing challenging Christian conversations in my life; what I've been looking to replace is a community of like-minded, spiritual, growth-oriented people, to support each other, share ideas with, care about.


TWO WEEKS AGO
Flash forward to two weeks ago. Fernando's sister was visiting. She was telling me about a church she finally found that she LOVES, and it's very near where I live, so I was intrigued. I thought... hmm... maybe this is a sign... (cause all these years I've had my little feelers out, ready for a sign.)

But then she said their service is Sunday in the morning, and I thought, no. Emphatically no. There is no way that the church that I Am Meant To Be With will involve mornings. I'm not even being silly here.

But then she said they were starting up an evening service. Oh hmm interesting. She was very enthusiastic about the minister, about the people.

Then she mentioned the name of the church, which included the word "baptist pentecostal"* and I remembered the reason why I don't want to be a part of any mainstream church, unless it's one of these nice liberally ones that's into gay marriage. (Which is not to say that I judge Penguin--she's not against gay marriage.)

So no, not the sign I was looking for, after all.

After Penguin left, little thoughts were bouncing around in my head.

Fernando had been playing Warcraft all this time. I told him my thought about her church, and how it had almost seemed like a sign, but no.

He said: "It seems to me that The Betties are the church you've been looking for."

And I said: "You just read my mind."


WHAT A SNEAKY POT!
And like all decisions when you properly follow the stovetop method, it hardly felt like a decision at all. I had chosen the church without choosing a church. Let us review the requirements...

TIME: They're on the internet so I can "talk" to them whenever I want, and in any case a surprising number are up all night like myself (plus some are in the UK and Australia etc.)

DOCTRINE: There are a lot of Betties, so there may be Betties who don't believe in gay marriage; but the subset who blog a lot, and whom I therefore interact with the most, are generally a liberal, anti-racist, pro-LGBT, feminist gang.

GROWTH: Besides the occasional Christianish-type, there are lots of atheists, agnostics, witches, buddhists, and so on.  This is the mix I like. Most people I know are atheists so I like this better balance of beliefs, it's how I add to my core beliefs. I've read Siddhartha, Walden and Ayn Rand because of friends, and in future will be reading an oracle deck, a buddhist book, and a Starhawk title because of Betties. (Okay the Starhawk is from old friend Maewitch, but she introduced me to Jennifer Crusie, so she's my Alpha Betty.)

AUTHENTICITY: Betties have strong opinions, but they create safe zones where you can have a breakdown, be snarky, be shmoopy, talk about sex, express your fears, talk about mental illness, rant about what angers you, get offended, apologize, and send out "fairy god betty vibes" when someone's life takes a nosedive. Things get real, real fast. And then they usually get silly.

GOALS: The general cut and thrust of conversation--beyond the daily bread--is about trying to be good people, finding our ways through life, helping each other out, and spiritual growth, however that's defined in each person's life.

OTHER Since the Betties originated in the fandom of Jennifer Crusie and Lani Diane Rich (Lucy March) there's a preponderance of writers and readers, which makes it a particularly well-suited community for me. There's a LOT more worship for bacon than a nice vegan girl like myself can take (facepalm) almost every last Betty owns a rescued cat or dog. Finally, snarky humor is allowed--thankfully cause it's written in my DNA. And if you offend someone, there's room for apologies. There's also a patented word for dispensing unwanted advice "assvice" which is good, cause it's another bad habit of mine. But giving each other assvice is a general Betty trait, so at least I'm with my peeps.

There's also a maturity level that you just don't get in all communities, off or online, which is why I've never been able to bring myself to join a vegan community. There are many vegan individuals who I lurv; but I've been part of a fundamentalist church once in my life, and I won't go there again, not for the rightest of causes. The Betties are not fundamentalists. They are first and foremost compassionate--towards people, animals, and the planet. And experienced enough to have learned that drawing the balance between those three, while still protecting one's own life balance, is always going to be a flawed and humbling journey.

And so... Miss Mabel is officially removing one pot from the stove. This baby is cooked! (Mmmm babies. Better than bacon.)

 

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* Oops - correction added May 26th, after I saw my sister-in-law again. I'd forgotten what kind of church it was when I wrote this. Oh those Christian churches... they all look alike to me. ;-)

    

Storms, Erotica Teachers and Obama (or Christianity: You're Doing it Wrong)

I wrote this on Friday. It's gray outside.

The last death toll in the US south was 280 people, which I mentioned on my facebook last night. This morning I found this response from my North Carolinian friend: Some idiot showed up in my Twitter feed yesterday who said (it took a few tweets...), "Well, maybe when people in the Southeast don't have anyone to pull them out from under trees and buildings, they'll finally un...derstand the importance of taxes." Hmm... I was mad. Probably an understatement. "s just... Well, the *most* anti-tax state happens to be New Hampshire (New England state), which has no income tax. And we DO have taxes. It's just... the South is POOR.


Then I went to my email to read the responses left on blogs where I've already posted comments, and there's a bunch of ongoing activity on a story about a couple of women who are harassing an English school teacher because she writes erotic romance novels. They think this is akin to pedophilia.


And then there's my lingering illness over the Obama thing, and the way some pundits don't even realize just how deeply significant it was. Some people seem to think it was just a ridiculous, maybe disgusting, distraction and they're glad it's been disproven and now they can get back to talking about important matters.


All this in a supposedly Christian nation. I don't say that to pick on Americans--there have been other weeks when it's all Canadian stories that depress me. But it's just to make this point...


A few days ago I said we need to bring our game up when it comes to engaging with the fashion industry. Today I'm saying, people who call themselves Christians (not all Americans obviously) need to bring up their game when it comes to wearing that label.


Because blaming poor people when their homes have been destroyed and they've lost loved ones through no fault of their own, and because they're poor, and because they live in a country where there's a great deal of income inequality; and persecuting good teachers, one of the worst paid and most important professions in North America, and particularly in the union-weak US; and treating the President of the United States like he's nothing but a n****r... these aren't the sorts of actions that people should associate with Christians. And unfortunately, they are. 

There is absolutely no doctrine that means you are a good Christian, not even the belief in Christ. There is one thing and one thing only that should mark you as one, and that's love. You should be a loving person. You should strive to love, to give it, to show it. Not to be perfect, but to try. That's it that's all. 

It's much much much simpler than any church mission statement, than any set of doctrines or rules, it's easy to remember, it's beautiful in it's simplicity, and it's good for all periods in history, all countries, all cultures. And yet, while it's simpler than anything any church will try to sign you up for, it's harder to live. Rules can be followed. I once belonged to a rules-based church, it made life very easy: You kept the sabbath, you didn't eat pork, you kept the holy days, and knew who you were and you could be self-righteous about it.

But LOVING people, really trying to be patient, and kind, and open-minded, and see things from another's point of view, and give, and to love even those who hate you, while still protecting and loving yourself... that's HARD. That's what Christians are being asked to do. That's what all humans are being asked to do, whether they believe in god or not. But if you're going to slap the name of Christ on your forehead and parade it around for everyone to see, then that is what I, as a fellow Christian, am going to hold you to.


I've put up songs before by Steve Bell, because this is the sort of Christian he is. The walking, talking, loving kind. For his latest album there's "endorsements" from fans on his site and this one made me laugh:

Here's a song, from an older album, that's about this topic of upping the game. It's Christ praying in the garden of Gethsemane, talking to god about his followers and how they just don't get it. They think it's about overthrowing Rome, and a new kingdom, and honor, and a top spot next to the throne; they're about to discover it's about sacrifice, and humility, and "the kind of love that changes everything."


If Christianity doesn't make your life uncomfortable, you're not doing it right.





May they understand the love You have for me
As the kind of love that changes everything
They argue who will sit next to the throne
And I cringe to here them say Thy Kingdom come
They think they know what they're getting into
We both know that they haven't got a clue
this is not the same
It's a different thing
Altogether
This is not the same
It's another thing
All together
This is love
This is love


Now... I have go root this bitterness out of my heart and love all the above-mentioned fools. Even Maya Angelou struggles with that one, so at least I'm in good company.

ADDED NOTE: MAY 1st - The woman who is persecuting the English teacher put this photo as her profile picture on facebook.