A love story from a scientist

Let me share a little more from my previously mentioned Dr Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight. (If you prefer to just listen to some interviews, there's some posted here.) In one of her interviews she says there's still all these old ideas about relationships still on the book shelves and in the media, and "we know better now" because of all this research that's been done. So consider these posts my contribution to getting her ideas out there. ;-) Though I really just keep delivering up little slices of the pie, so maybe tomorrow I'll try to post a better skeletal frame of the theory.

It's a very romantic relationship book, in two ways. First, in the theory itself, and second, often the couple's stories touch me. Today I'll give you some excerpts of the couple story, and leave the theory for tomorrow.

Her therapy works by having the couple use 7 types of conversations with each other, that they can use more than once. The first conversations help the couple self-identify the harmful patterns they use in their fights and get in the habit of stopping them faster. Later conversations help them identify what they're feeling underneath the blaming etc., and express that in a vulnerable way, and accept the other person's communications. She calls it going down the elevator, deeper and deeper into emotional territory. And then the second half of the conversations are for creating new attachments.

Johnson finds that when people are panicking at the lack of connection in the relationship they either fight or flight, which makes the problem even worse--she calls it the Protest Polka. Usually one person is "fight" (not necessarily fighting, but they're trying to provoke a response) and the other person is shutting down.

Chapter 4 is about an immigrant couple named Kyoko and Charlie. Poor Kyoko is going practically mental to try and get a reaction out of her husband, and the "crazier" she gets, the more it's freaking him out, because he needs everything to be controlled and logical, both from his upbringing but he's also a computer geek. So then he criticizes her and tells her what she needs to do to change, and the more controlling he gets, the more unloved she feels, so she gets crazier, which panics him all the more.

Sometimes Johnson's retelling of her clients' stories is a bit stiff (she's not really a writer after all), but I could picture these two, upright stiff emotionally boarded up Charlie, and worn out emotionally starved Kyoko, and I was all "Ohhh sadness" for them. Here Kyoko's been pouring out her heart, and now Charlie's been trying to figure out how to describe his emotions, which is very difficult for him:

[Johnson's addressing him] Listening now to this sense of fear and helplessness, what is the main threat? What is the most frightening message? Can you tell Kyoko?" He sits bolt upright and shouts out, "I don't know how to do this. I can't figure it out." He turns more to Kyoko and continue, "I don't know how to deal with it when you're not happy with me. And you can explode at any time. I never feel sure of myself with you. And I need that. I feel very sad. We came across the world together. If I don't have you..." He weeps. Kyoko weeps with him. What has happened here? ... He is shaping a coherent attachment message out of his emotional turmoil.

Awwww. Shniff shniff. I felt like I was reading a good, if poorly written novel. They keep talking, growing emotionally closer. Kyoko tells him "If I am sad or scared or upset with you, you just turn off. You don't comfort me. Just when I need you, you go off in your disapproval. You turn away and discard me. I am not the wife you want." He's finally hearing her and just says: "This is sad, to hear this. I am sad."

He's sad! I was sad reading it! I was skipping ahead to find out how it ended!!

Johnson then got Charlie to name what it is he needs from Kyoko:

"I need to know that when I am not the perfect husband and get confused, do not know what to do, you still want to be with me. Even if I get overwhelmed and make mistakes, hurt your feelings. I need to know you will not leave me. When you are depressed or very mad, it seems like you have already gone. Yes, this is right. I have said it right." And then, as if suddenly realizing the risk he has taken, he turns away and nervously rubs his knees. He says quietly, "This is very hard for me to ask. I have never asked anyone for such a thing."

The obvious emotion on Charlie's face moves Kyoko. "Charlie, I am here with you. That is all I want, to be with you. I do not need a perfect husband. If we can talk like this, we can be close again. That is all I have ever wanted." Charlie looks relieved and a little dazed.

Then Kyoko says what she needs:

I want you to accept that I am more emotional than you and that this is okay. It is not a flaw in me. I want you to stay with me and come close, to show me you care when I don't feel strong. I want you to touch me and hold me and tell me I matter to you. That is all I need.

Charlie looks completely stunned. "You mean you just want me to come close? It is like I have been working so hard to keep us on this one track that I have not seen the simple easy way just off to the side here." Then he smiles softly. "I can do this. I can do this with you."

Yay! Happy ending!