I Surrender! (zee art of letting gooo)

Last week Fernando and I watched the episodes of Master Class featuring Oprah. I want to retell a great story she told.

An Oprah Story
She was raped at 9, and pregnant at 14, so when she read The Color Purple she was gobsmacked by it. It starts like this:

The main character has been raped and is pregnant. When Oprah heard it was being made into a movie she was determined to get a part. When she tried out, it was for a role opposite the character Harpo--Oprah spelled backwards. She was sure it was a sign, but the casting director was completely scornful: We have real actresses reading for this part. Alfre Woodard is reading for this part.

Someone told her, if she had any chance at all she'd have to lose weight. So off she went to a fat farm, miserable and hopeless. One day she was running around the track, talking to God. She wondered why he brought her this close to the movie, only to slam the door in her face? But as she ran, she made a decision that she was just going to have to let it go. That if she didn't get the part, it was going to be okay, she just wouldn't see the movie.

But that wasn't good enough, she thought. She had to let it go to the extent that she could see the movie. See the movie and not only accept Alfre Woodard in the part, but enjoy it, and believe her to be the right person for the part. Oprah started singing something to herself, and thinking these thoughts, until she really believed it. Until she finally let The Color Purple go.

RIGHT THEN someone from the retreat ran out and said she had a phone call. It was Steven Spielberg, who was directing The Color Purple. He said: I hear you're at a fat farm. We're considering you for Sofia, but if you lose one pound you might not get the part.

She left the center, and had Dairy Queen on the way home.

"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you've worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped...surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow." (Oprah in Master Class)

I've been thinking about it all week, especially since surrender recently turned up in a card in Julieland and resonated with folk. I don't think we'll all experience the Miracle of the Phone Call at the Fat Farm, but I still think this is great advice: "When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up."

My Experience

Fernando's avatar.

When my husband and I were first going out, he fell into a depression and I had to ask myself: If he remains like this forever, can I still be with him? And the answer was yes. And that's when I was able to let my worries go. And Cheerful Fernando returned, in his own time.

I was once talking with a friend of Gilby--she was complaining about her boyfriend who always went out with the boys after work and never came home. I gave her the same advice: What if he never changes, can you be happy with him just as he is? She later told Gilby I was an idiot. But only a few months later she'd broken up with the guy and the next time I saw her she had a new man in her life, someone serious and committed to her. My guess is that she let go of the idea that he would change, and that allowed her to let go of him.

Letting go isn't like having a wand that makes your dreams come true the way you want them to. That's not surrender. I think it's about accepting your life as it is in the present, and to accept the idea that if your ideas for the future don't come true, your world won't crumble. And to leave space for even better ideas.

For example, Oprah started off wanting to be a teacher, she became a news reporter, and one day they stuck her on a talk show. And only then did she realize what kind of teacher she wanted to be. She could not have dreamed up that job when she was 10 years old.



The other advantage to letting go is just the peace of mind it brings. What kind of damage do we do to ourselves when we hold onto disappointment and bitterness?

My Final Musings
So. What I've been pondering this week is how to draw the balance between "doing all that you can do" to reach your goals, and "surrendering." Because that's the other part of this statement: You first do everything in your power to make all your goals and dreams come true. Then you let them go. But doing everything can be a long road. If you're trying to be a professional athlete you'll know by a certain age whether it's gonna happen; not so if you're trying to be a published writer.

 

Maybe there's something to be learned from the idea of wu wei, from yesterday's homework:

The Essential Chijang T/L1 Trans Hamill & Seaton

And now I'm curious if anyone else has ever found "letting go" to be true?


[Further edits done April 20.]

Dao and the Constellation of the Heart (just being alive can really hurt)

I just took on an online tutoring assignment on an online homework-help site. It's on odd site--they're trying very hard to stay away from having tutors writing people's homework or papers for them, but a lot of students come there expecting it, and you so wonder if some tutors do it--when the students offer to pay enough. If it's a new student, then they just don't know. But returning students? Hum. (Cute posting from a new student: They posted their assignment and wrote: "Need this in 2 days, no plagiarism." ... ... People unclear on the concept.) I mostly stick to the assignments that ask for help with essays--correcting them, or not understanding how to go about writing one.

But I just had a fun one. The student's assignment was to find a picture that represents the way of Dao, and describe in a few sentences why. The student said they didn't understand how to do this, just needed ideas. I warned the person to count on their own knowledge of Dao from class, but that I would pull some phrases from wiki and find pictures to match them, to show ideas of how to go about it.

I pulled out 8 phrases and found 8 pictures. It was, you can imagine, fun. This was my favorite picture, to illustrate the idea that the way to understand the universe is by understanding yourself:

Kate Gibb (wired.com)

Which in turn reminds me of one of my favorite Kate Bush songs called "Constellation of the Heart." It's about turning the telescope away from the sky and towards your own heart. It ends with a confrontation between a ship's crew and its captain, who's frightened because they're sailing right into the secrets of her own heart. [Video might be blocked in the US.]



Well we think you’d better wake up capt’n
There’s something happen’n up ahead
We’ve never seen anything like it
We’ve never seen anything like it before

I want a full report
That’s it
What do you mean, that’s it?
That’s all you get
You’d better do something ’bout it
What am I supposed to do about it?
We don’t know, but you can’t run away from it
Maybe you’d better face it
I can’t do that
C’mon face it!
I can’t do that
C’mon, c’mon face it
What am I gonna do?
It is gonna hurt, it is gonna hurt me bad?

Ooh here’s the constellation of the heart

Who said anything about it hurting?
It’s gonna be beautiful
It’s gonna be wonderful
It’s gonna be paradise
 
Just being alive, it can really hurt...