Positivity: Some assembly required

An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea. - Siddhartha Gautama Buddha

So positive thinking week continues here in Mabel Land...

 

Maybe one of the reasons positive thinking gets a bad rap is because some portray it as:

(A) Think positive -->  (B) Things get better

without inserting some sort of action between A and B. And when that doesn't work, people get all anti-stoopid-positive-thinking. It's bunk, this positive thinking crapolatude.

Back in April I posted some stories about Oprah--she sees the goal process sort of like this...

* Want something passionately
* Be positive AND do everything in your power to bring it about
* Then let go of your desire
* Trust that whether you Get or Don't Get the thing you were aiming for, it will be the right path for your life

In one case this led her down a totally unexpected path: She wanted to be a teacher, and ended up a talk show host, where she did teacherly things. If she had never let go of the teacher dream maybe she would have become a mediocre teacher, or a good but unhappy teacher, or ended up in some other random job bitter and depressed. But instead she let the dream go and allowed life to lead her down a new path.

Another time, she desired with all her heart to act in the film version of The Color Purple. It looked like she wouldn't get it, but she kept doing what she thought she should, until one day as she ran 'round the track at a fat farm she finally let the dream go, completely. A moment later she got a call from Spielberg who said to get out! If she lost a single pound she wouldn't get the part!

In both cases she didn't sit back and stare at the wall, waiting to become a teacher, or waiting to get the part. She did all she could do, and then let go.

I don't write this as a shaming--someone who is in a depression or has a chronic illness, etc. might be capable of less *action* in pursuit of their goals. Whatever "doing everything in one's power" means can only be judged by ourselves. But Helen Keller said, "because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do." (She was a total Pollyanna.)

All this to say, positive thinking should lead to some action (unless you just need to meditate cause you're very stressed out.) But equally important--once you've done your darnedest--recognize it, and shift directions before you drive yourself mad, or into depression and bitterness. 

The idea is well expressed in this oracle deck I like...

(I've drawn this card twice in the last few months, once in each direction. Lolz!)

 

Ally (right side up) The Phoenix is constantly reinventing itself and rises up whole and new and even more powerful with every death it experiences. This could signal an end of a relationship -or a dynamic within one- or an end of a job, a project, or even a life.

Perhaps no failure is involved, but it's time for a complete overhaul of your circumstances. You may be tired of what you're doing, or you may know intuitively that it's time to move on and try something new. Whatever the case, a death of the old and a celebration of the new are called for! Whatever you do now will indeed be a successful endeavor, for a rebirth is imminent!

Challenger (upside down) When the Phoenix challenges you, it’s really just a gentle reminder to let go and let what doesn’t work fall away. Maybe you’re not allowing things to change because you’re more comfortable with the familiar, even if you know that it’s not the best you could create for yourself. Fear of change is a crippling experience, as it works against Nature itself. The task at hand is to allow for an ending, as it’s timely and right that you do so for the highest good of all. In surrendering to the fundamental purposeful change, you will most definitely find yourself in better circumstances. The action needed is allowing. A rebirth is assured.

 

SONGS OF THE DAY

#1 - Doing Your Best - Eminem's "Lose Yourself"

Here's a guy who knows how to give it all in the pursuit of his dreams, which is why he's considered by his peers as one of the best rap artists. This song perfectly encapsulates the idea.

#2 - Letting Go - Eminem's "Talkin' 2 Myself"

This is from Eminem's last album, when he finally returned to writing decent music. It's about him listening to some of the rappers out there right now and almost writing raps taking shots at them--and then realizing he didn't want to do it because they sucked (which is cool in rapland) but because they were good. He was jealous. He had to let go of his ego, his embarrassment about hitting bottom, and just refocus back on his own talent. 

That's the power of letting go. And while I wouldn't call Eminem an optimist, his first single was "Everybody come take my hand, we'll walk this world together!" and "It's time to exorcise these demons, these motherf***ers are doing jumping jacks now!"   :-D  I'd say he's in a more positive place than he's been in his life.

         

Always look on the bright side of death

I realized as I was reading and writing about optimism yesterday that there are many different aspects to it. Usually when we think of optimism we think of the "Pollyanna" glass half full thing. So when I put "optimism" into the Google image search last night I got these...

I like these first two as examples of how you can view the positive in a situation, even beyond the half empty half full cliché:

 

I like this one cause it's silly.

 

This one is a good example of why realists get annoyed by what they call the Pollyannas. 

There are many situations that are like the glasses in the first two pictures--there really is something positive there, and the person is just NOT seeing it. Or there are some situations that are just medium crappy and by being really negative, you're just making yourself and everyone around you even more miserable. 

I've been in work situations like that. Everyone's pissed about the dress code, or a new software system, and after the normal mourning period there's still a percentage of people who just won't get over it. Even if they're right and the new system is worse than the old one--your grumpypusskin face isn't going to change your company's mind. Only time and bad experiences will do that.

So it's not even a question of seeing the glass as half full, but of refocusing your attention on other stuff. Of getting on with your life. Maybe your work life is half full, but your friend life is a full plate of chocolate chip cookies.

But if the thing that's half full is something BIG like... you're in a concentration camp... then f*** that guy who says "but look at the bright side... you lost those extra pounds! ...You don't have to decide what to wear in the morning! ...You don't have to go to your in-laws on sabbath supper anymore!" "I'M IN A DEATH CAMP!!"

Trying to see the bright side in every situation is trite and insulting. There might be something positive happening, but that doesn't mean we need to be cheered up by it, or we have to appreciate it.

Viktor Frankl believed there was value and meaning to be found in seeing how you react in the face of injustice and suffering, but he wrote that later, right? After he was out of Auschwitz, when he was trying to help other survivors recover from post-traumatic stress.

BUT... I do have one more "but."

I do think there is one kind of positive thinking that you should retain throughout a crappy situation, and that's positive thinking about yourself. You don't have to see the glass as half full, you don't have to see Beauty and Meaning in your suffering, but I think we should always try to speak well of ourselves. Because again, I think that's basic to our survival and recovery.

So when you're depressed and you accomplish something, I do believe you should acknowledge it. At a very minimum, stay neutral and don't run yourself down! But how much better to say, "Today I cleaned up the kitchen, I felt productive." "Today I redid my CV I only procrastinated half as much as usual, I'm getting better at this."

I agree that in a concentration camp setting (since I keep using the Frankl example) one isn't going to care how well one paved a road for the Nazis. But Frankl wrote, "The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails... gives him ample opportunity--even under the most difficult circumstances--to add a deeper meaning to his life." So maybe meaning-in-suffering was meaningful even at the time of the suffering. Because it was the only thing you could feel good about.

For example, Frankl had the chance to escape at one point when he was treating patients, but he just couldn't leave him. After deciding to stay, "I had gained an inward peace that I had never experienced before. I returned to the hut, sat down on the boards at my countryman's feet and tried to comfort him; then I chatted with the others, trying to quiet them in their delirium." And he remembered the men who would give away their last piece of bread to others, because choosing to be that kind of person was the one thing their captors couldn't take from them.

So it seems like even in the direst of situations, "being positive" might simply mean remembering what you like about yourself, patting yourself on the back for those things (let's be egotistical for a moment), and keeping those things. Keeping your character isn't your #1 concern when survival is at stake, but it's probably a survival mechanism. Like the hope/focus-on-future I wrote about yesterday, I think Frankl is saying: This is another prop to keep you standing at the darkest times.

Alright, that's two non-"Pollyanna" aspects of positive thinking. Now I promised you a story. I recently met a woman whose father has Alzheimer's--she and her brother care for him. They decided early on that they would cope with the situation by using humor: They joke about the situation as much as possible. Not cruelly, bu about the eccentric situations Alzheimer's creates.

The way their father will suddenly speak out loud during a hushed moment between songs at church; or the way, during a trip to the Maritimes, he got to *rediscover* calamari every day (or some such seafood) because he'd forgotten what it was. It helps them be more patient, and therefore helps him to be happier. When her mother was still alive, she had a stroke and couldn't speak, and this woman said it was quite comical to see the two of them trying to communicate.

It was the first non-heart breaking Alzheimer's story I'd ever heard. (And reminds me I owe her an email!)

Today's song--a no-brainer
               

Choose Life! (Because the alternative is less than dignified)

If I had to represent the last few months of my life in a metaphor, I'd choose a big pot of stew. Something that takes a long time to cook, that has at times been at a boil, at other times at a simmer, and into which a big variety of ingredients has been thrown. (Vegan ingredients, bien sûr.)

(Moroccan stew!)

Now the pot is pretty much ready. I've straightened all my ideas out, cleared up my head (and heart, where some more personal issues were concerned) and I'm simultaneously energized and... going nowhere.

"Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.

Thank-you Stephen Leacock. Just too much is ready all at once. Like the hundred ideas I have to write about on this blog, and each night I'm on the horse, going nowhere.* But here's one attempt.

Here is the full theme to Oprah's new network, written by will.i.am:



It reflects one of my favorite life ideas, that came back to me just this week, from Deuteronomy 30:19...

"I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life." 

My excellent friend Mae asked me once if this means I think death is bad, so I want to be clear that I don't. I think it's natural, and life comes from death. But even at a genetic level we're programmed to fight for life, like cutting of our arm if it's trapped under a boulder, or saving those dearest to us.

Once death comes, okay, it's meant to come. But in the meantime... When we finally put my poor sick Sherringham cat down, he was so weak, he wasn't moving anymore, he wasn't drinking or eating, he pretty much wasn't choosing life anymore, and I was feeling guilty for having waited longer than I should have. But when it came for the pre-needle, the one to relax him, the little bugger fought it! He reminded me of the Dylan Thomas poem, raging against the dying of the light.

So we need to support our bodies. Choose life. This isn't meant as a shaming for those who commit suicide, because it takes a hella lot to get to the point where you don't want to live (boulder boy!) so I have only compassion for those who do. But short of that...

I don't want to say: We need to get out of bad situations, because that's obvious. No one wants to be in them. But we need to get out of the truly mediocre ones. I don't mean every aspect of your life has to SpArKLe! There's a lot of peace and beauty in normalcy, or ordinariness. Eating pasta and watching Jersey Shore. Your job doesn't have to be your dream job to be Just Right, and your home doesn't need to look like Architectural Digest or an Ikea Catalogue.

But sometimes we settle for situations that slowly bury us alive, one shovel full at a time. And you might not realize it until the dirt is choking you. Romantic relationships, poisonous friendships, or even just the non-choices. Not doing the therapy, or starting that class, or making that decision.

Years ago my husband got a coffee at Starbucks with this quote printed on the side, and it reminded him of someone (not me) so he kept it on his bookcase for, like, ever:

"Failure is hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever." (Po Bronson)

He never gave it to the person he was keeping it for, but I never forgot it was there. It would occasionally draw me to its side, and I'd flip over the crumpled cardboard and read the quote again, then float guiltily away. Over and over. Like a clean load of laundry I just don't want to fold and put away. ...Okay so sometimes the dirt can be landing on you, you're aware of it, and you still don't get up out of the hole.

Choose life. However you can, whenever you can. When you can muster up a little strength.

Daedalus simply presented Ariadne with a skein of linen thread, which the visiting hero might fix to the entrance and unwind as he went into the maze. It is, indeed, very little that we need! (Joseph Campbell)

And if you can't muster up the strength, I've discovered the secret failsafe built into the universe. If you stop choosing choosing between life and death, blessing and cursing, Life comes along, grabs you by the scruff of the neck...

And dumps you in a big pot of stew.

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*I asked urthalun how she keeps up with her wide blogatude reading and she replied she's a sans-young-kids, doesn't have a job, doesn't clean, and stays up very late. I LAUGHED. I have no kids, no job, don't clean, and was reading it at 5 AM, just before going to bed. :-D There's just no excuse for me!!