"I can't go back the way I've known"

"When you're following a star

You have to walk at night"*

Widders commented on the last post that when we return home, Home isn't always like we remembered.

This is one of my fave themes, actually. Sometimes it's expressed as the idea that we're not trying to get back to the Garden of Eden--gotta keep going forward. In the Hero Journey the hero can't just win the gold (growth, psychological/emotional insights, etc.) and sit on it, cause then you're a dragon!

You have to bring the gold home: The Return. You have to take what you've won, through your tests and trials, and contribute back to society.

 There and back again...

Which ties into the whole idea that home isn't the same, because the journey has changed us.

It's been a fruitful an interesting past year and three months. There are parts of me that I've recovered, like my sense of style. (Check out these Payless faux-Converse I got at work last week!)

 I don't even use these things here in Nanaimo, cause I don't go out. It actually feels like the little funky pieces I've bought are saying: Take us to Montreal! Let's go out!

I've learned to meditate, eat apples, drink water, crochet, sew, and be in the now.

Of course, I've also lost some things. Like my freaking ability to write! Here I am, alone-ee, not socializing, all the time in the world, and I not only have writer's block but I have writer-fear. All quite, quite new for me. In fact, losing so much this past year (and granted it could have been worse, I'm not whining) has been good for my sense of Fragility and Life is Change and Understanding Failure and all the important stuff that helps usher in yea aulde wisdom of agèd years.

And I have to recognize that I'm hitting mid-life crisis territory. Not all my depression or writing blocks or anxieties are necessarily related to being away from my family; I can't expect to go home and have it all disappear. I'm once more facing job hunting, but also the question: What sort of job might I like to do for the next 20 years? What sort of marriage do I want? How do I want to spend my free time?

My dad's favorite singer-songwriter, Steve Bell, has this Christmas song he wrote about the wise men setting off to see bebby Jesus, and then the return home again. It shows how there are a lot of religious stories/myths that can be read at a Campbellian symbolic psychological level.

It perfectly captures this idea of traveling through life, looking for truth or for new experiences; and how those truths and experiences change us: "Everybody can remember when  / They had to stop and start all over again."  And how we return home (like a good Hero) but we can't go back the way we came: "The road for me has changed / Nothing seems to look the same." Which is scary, confusing, but... that's the way it gotta be, yo.

_______
*Old Sage  (Home Again)
Music by Steve Bell / Lyric by Steve Bell and Jamie Howison

 I remember how it started still

Those are days that I remember well

It was something in the stars that was new enough to tell

There was something going down

So we set off for a foreign land

With no idea what we just might find

’cause when you’re following a star

You have to walk at night

Sounds crazy even now


And still the search goes on for

My way back home

I can’t go back the way I’ve known


And now the road for me has changed

Nothing seems to look the same

Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining

And every star along the way

Holds the promise for the day

When I will be at home again

Some tell me I’m a wise man

A kind of sage you know it makes me laugh

I don’t know what I’m not, barely know what I am

If you know what I mean

But everybody can remember when

They had to stop and start all over again

It was something ’bout that boy in Bethlehem

I will never be the same

Old Sage  (Home Again)
Music by Steve Bell / Lyric by Steve Bell and Jamie Howison

I remember how it started still
Those are days that I remember well
It was something in the stars that was new enough to tell
There was something going down
So we set off for a foreign land
With no idea what we just might find
’cause when you’re following a star
You have to walk at night
Sounds crazy even now
And still the search goes on for
My way back home
I can’t go back the way I’ve known
And now the road for me has changed
Nothing seems to look the same
Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining
And every star along the way
Holds the promise for the day
When I will be at home again
Some tell me I’m a wise man
A kind of sage you know it makes me laugh
I don’t know what I’m not, barely know what I am
If you know what I mean
But everybody can remember when
They had to stop and start all over again
It was something ’bout that boy in Bethlehem
I will never be the same
- See more at: http://stevebell.com/2007/06/old-sage/#sthash.p7boHdvq.dpuf