There are wrong questions

When I worked at my first bookstore job, one day a couple staff were looking at Chinese horoscopes and saw that I'm an ox, and they were like, That's perfect! cause they felt I had stubborn opinions.

I thought about that a lot. And it was only when I went to a new store and finally made friends similar to myself, that I realized debating preferences are a personality thing. Born that way. Some people learn by asking questions... lots of them. And we bug the ever-living crap out of everyone else.

When I debate with someone, I'm not closed-minded, I'm willing to have my mind changed. But I assume they are too. And that by setting our ideas against each other for a bit, we'll either (a) change our ideas, or (b) refine what we think and believe, or (c) go away and think it over some more. Persuading them isn't the end goal; it's understanding the subject at hand. And if they're talking about something personal, my questions are just me trying to understand them, get to know them.

But The Ox Incident made me realize I don't come off this way to people who are not like moi. It looks like I'm trying to argue them into the ground. Not everyone holds opinions, or feelings, they've fully thought out (shock!); they just think and feel. They might be able to unpack those feelings given enough time, but until then they're running on instinct. Which is cool.

So I consciously changed. I learned that around friends like Maewitch and Gilby I can let loose; and around everyone else I reign myself in by degrees. If someone shares an opinion and I want to understand more, I try to probe very delicately, and back off as needed.

Living with different people than I'm used to--that is to say, my dad and step-mother--has brought me up against this twice that I can think of. One morning my dad was driving me to work, and I was feeling alert, so I was full of thoughts and opinions about whatever I'd been reading in the news. I can't believe x! And then y responded z! It's ludicrous! My dad finally suggested we talk about something else, since this seemed to be upsetting me.

I was like -- ?! I wasn't upset at all. My brain was alive! I felt great! I was having a grand ole time! If you saw inside my brain you would have seen this:

I guess I was surprised because my dad often enjoys intellectual discussions/debates. ...Just not all the time? Not in the morning? Not while driving? 

I've had other people think I'm upset when I'm in Intellectual Fire mode and it's hard to convince them I'm actually relaxed. All my life I've had people ask me what's wrong when the only thing in my mind was "Where's the Penguin edition of The Tempest?" or "Should I have cake, or chips?" So maybe when I'm in intellectual mode my face gets all Upsetty.*

Looks like she's thinking: "Life is unbearably sad."

Actually thinking: "How can I balance my laptop and press the photo button without waking up the cat?" 

Another time Step-mommy was trying to explain how she felt about something, and I was trying to understand. But I forgot myself. Well you know how it is, when you're At Home you feel like, la la la, I can be my full self! La la la. I was asking these logic based questions, and she couldn't answer them. With someone I'm less At Home with I would have seen the signs and backed off. But finally she told me to stop psycho-analyzing her.

I was taken aback. It wasn't a surprising thing to hear, but I didn't realize she doesn't know this about me. It's not an attempt at Enforced Therapy; I just think I'm getting to know the person. My friend Vidal, Lord bless him, will actually warn me when he just wants Listening Mabel, and not Intellectual Mabel. But the burden on reigning this in is on me, not everyone else. So, you know... that's why it's good to live with other people, sometimes. Certainly good people who you know aren't trying to harm you.
    
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* There's a school photo of me, recovering from chicken pox or something, and my eyes look watery and sad. My grandmother always said it made her sad to look at it. In retrospect I was probably thinking: "Was the red top the right look to go for?" or "How long til recess?"