Sh*t his dad says

I haven't followed "Shit My Dad Says" in a long time--the twitter account, I mean. But here are some I seem to have saved in my computer.


"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."

"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening."