Joy will burn out the pain

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

(Joseph Campbell)

2013 was significantly less painful than 2012, but I haven't forgotten the feeling and I know some who are still in it.

...Take your pick of versions.

The labyrinth is thoroughly known

I think it's time for my annual posting of my favorite Joseph Campbell quote. It's a good follow-on from yesterday's post.

Yesterday I was touching on spirituality as any experience that takes us out of our ego. I want to add that there's nothing wrong with the ego, with the self. But traveling outside of ourselves ultimately bring us to the deepest parts of ourselves. If we're committed to traveling outward, to empathy, to kindness, to love, to vulnerability, then we can simultaneously help others heal, and heal ourselves.

Furthermore, we have not even to risk the adventure alone; for the heroes of all time have gone before us; the labyrinth is thoroughly known; we have only to follow the thread of the hero-path. And where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; and where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world. (The Hero With a Thousand Faces)

(You can hear Campbell quote this at the start of this video.)

The Destruction of the Personality

It's like a big fist breaking down my door
I never felt such a love before

- Bruce Cockburn

Imma have to go ahead and say that froggy AuntBeaN's definition of spirituality is my fave ever:

The definition of spirituality that works best for me is the idea of connecting with something beyond our own ego boundary, our own sense of ourselves. That's a pretty wide definition, because it includes just about any experience where you get outside yourself-- say, connecting with a larger group at a concert or rally, or with the natural world (on a hike or walking or jogging), or reading, or a variety of other situations besides just the standard religious definition. I don't understand exactly what happens, but I don't think you need to understand it intellectually in order to experience it.  So I've accepted my lack of understanding and pursued it (spirituality) anyway.  Pursued it because spiritual experiences deeply enrich my life.

Hallelujah, preach it, and all that good stuff. I don't even think I can add one thing to that. Maybe I can find a song...

Ah, here's one, from one of my poet faves, Bruce Cockburn. Here's what he said about the song:

"What it's about to me is sort of the destruction of the personality by love; personality and ego and all the things involved in that. Its also about driving through the city streets on a rainy night."

(Lyrics follow the video, if you just want to read.)



After the rain in the streets light flows like blood
I can just taste salt on the humid wind

Here comes that gasoline
Spreading hungry rainbow over shiny black tar

I'm blown like smoke and blind as wind
Except for when your love breaks in

    Maybe to those who love is given sight
    To pierce the wall of seeming night
    And know it pure beyond all imagining

Engine throb street cruise light bullet car flash
Hollow beauty night gleam oily river tension glass

Ultraflame! Glittering dust falling in slow motion
Clouds tumbling one over another into apparent emptiness

It's like a big fist breaking down my door
I never felt such a love before

    Maybe to those who love it's given to hear

    Music too high for the human ear

    And clear as hydrogen to go singing

From Amigurumi to Zeppo

There are lots of great charities out there, but just one non-profit that I *shill* for, and that's wikipedia. And they only ask for $3, how can I say no? I use wikipedia every single day, I get way more than my money's worth. I'm a curious person and wiki half the movies I watch, songs I listen to, etc. Besides the school and story research I've done over time. They also seem like a good organization--they're trying to keep it ad free, and have done things like simplifying the editing/contributing process in part to attract more women to contribute. 

I've created an alphabet of things I've looked up on wiki since 2010, according to my browser history:

Amigurumi
Boar's tusk helmet
Crémaillère
Dendra panoply
Extreme croquet
Freedonia
Grumpy Cat
Hamburger Dinner Theater
Intraductal papillary mucinous neoplasm
Jack Harkness
Korath the Pursuer
Last Night a DJ Saved My Life
Monitor lizard
New Black Panther Party
Oil cloth
Puka shell
Quest for the Well of Souls
Rza
Shazam
Tiggy Legge-Bourke
UC Davis pepper-spray incident
Velcro
Wood putty
X-Men
Yamada Nagamasa
Zeppo Marx

And a beer in a tree

Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas as the McKenzie Brothers from the comedy show SCTV. When my mother (post divorce) would go out Friday nights we had chips and pop and watched The Dukes of Hazard and then we snuck-watched SCTV after bedtime. And my mother would come home and pretend she didn't know. She bought us this album.



And in case you need a bonus song... we could perform every part from the solos to the angels. I didn't even know who Geddy Lee was at the time.

Crochet, tv, crochet, tv...

Wow, I just fell out of the internet for awhile there. Been working on homemade Christmas presents, didn't feel like doing anything online, barely even kept up with email. Watched a bunch of movies, Murdoch Mysteries, and Dr Who. And my brother visited from Vancouver, so there was a bunch of chatchatchat. And I had a cold, which is gone except for the congestion in my chest. For the past few years every cold I get starts with a tonsil inflammation, and ends with a lung inflammation. Vair annoying.

Anyway, no news is good news I guess! Sometimes I feel like my life's in a holding pattern until I get back to Montreal.

Wild in its imaginings, stodgy in its style

I read this in an article about Dave Eggar's sci fi book. I've never read Eggars, but it's just this bit that caught my attention: (emphasis by moi)

What surprises me most about it is the conventionality of its style. It contains no postmodern self-referential cleverness, not even any of the compression and elision that marks so much contemporary fiction. It’s past-tense, third person, with a garrulous narrator who doesn’t mind stepping in for a little exposition now and then.

Why is it that futuristic fiction, informed by the most contemporary of discussions about the most recent of social trends, is usually so formally old-fashioned? These novels – from Ray Bradbury to William Gibson – are in structure and delivery not postmodern or even modern; they are premodern. This is generally, in fact, how we distinguish between genre and literary fiction: genre is wild in its imaginings, stodgy in its style; literary is stodgy in its imaginings, wild in its style. It is rare to see a collision of innovative social thinking and innovative technique.

My first instinct was: Yeah, maybe this is the case. Cause I can think of some literary books where the content was what-ev-er, but beautifully or interestingly expressed. And I can think of some genre books with interesting ideas, but run-of-the-mill narration.

But the more I thought about it, the more I began to feel that form and content don't separate so easily. Do we really want to be J Evans Pritchard PhD?



Does a book cease to be literary because it has a straightforward style? A Fine Balance reads like a classic novel, not unlike something from the 19th century; but I still think of it as literary.
And also, while I do think some genre writing could take things up a notch in terms of form, I don't want an English Patient experience every time I pick a book up. To everything there is a season. Ondaatje some days, Christie on others.

I think I'll have to stick to my earlier sense, that "literary" has more to do with the depth with which the content is treated. Form is only one possible element.

Enough for now, my brain is sleepy.
   

You can't do anything... sorry

There's been talk around the internets that one of the problems with This Current Generation is they've been told they can be anything they want / follow your bliss / follow your passion, and it's just not practical advice. ...I think there might be some truth to that.

Following goals like learning to grow, become a better person, etc. -- those goals are pretty much always achievable. And following your passion as a past-time, that's often achievable (though still not always possible.)

But can everyone become an astronaut? No. You might not have the intelligence, the physical fitness, money for the needed education, etc.

Below is the current hit by a Canadian band (lead singer won Canadian Idol eons ago, and did it just to promote his band) -- and that's the theme: I can do anything. Don't let the naysayers get ya down.

But it's not true. We can't do anything. We can try to do anything. But the idea that everyone can translate their passion and their talents into a full-time paid job (which is usually the unspoken assumption here) is wrong. Which is why placing so much of our identity in our jobs is probably a bad idea. And possibly something very North American.

Let's make beautiful music

The Roots and Jimmy Fallon do a great a cap version of "We Can't Stop"


And here's a pretty ballad from Miley's new album.

#takingdemocracyforgranted

How come when you're having a debate with someone, this phrase always pops up at some point: "I think it's terrible that we're no longer allowed to express xyz opinion in our society." Some people feel that because someone opposes their point of view--or even that a lot of people oppose their point of view--it means their idea is being suppressed.

These people have never lived in a dictatorship.

People unclear on the concept.

You're right here, on facebook, or on a blog, or in the comments of a news section, expressing your opinion, and no one is throwing you in jail. How is this Not Being Allowed?

You can say whatever you want. I will tell you you're wrong. It's that simple! You can tell me I'm wrong too!

Someone might be using shitty tactics in an effort to silence you, that does happen. But that's not the same as Not Being Allowed.


There are genuine cases where ideas are suppressed in western countries, but your opinion on some pop video probably isn't one of those cases.

More Better Book Titles

Check them all out here.

Title-ahj 2013

I was talking yesterday about titles I like and don't like. Here are some from this year:

Titles that don't tell me anything:

Men at Arms - by Pratchett (other than that it's a Guards book)

Indiscretion - Morgan


Titles that remind me what the book was:

Going Postal - Pratchett
 
The New Yorkers - Schine

Maus - Spiegelman


Titles that sound nice, but I don't know what they meant

Hunting Unicorns - Pollen
Starfish - Watts


Title that are descriptive of what I just read, and the title is meaningful, layered:

Habibi - Thompson

Rules of Civility - Towles

The English Patient - Ondaatje

Monstrous Regiment - Pratchett

That cool place with the giant moth

Froggy Widdershins mentioned a couple months ago that one of her fave book titles is Midnight at the Well of Souls by Jack Chalker. My husband loved the series--I haven't read it, but it's unforgettable once you've seen the awesome 70s covers!

So I think as we enter 2013 Retrospective time, I'll post up some of my favorite titles and covers from things I watched or read or listened to this year.

I suck at titles, but I love them when they're well done. And I can't stand the generic ones. Loretta Chase has these cute Miss Wonderful, Lord Perfect, Mr Impossible books and I can't remember which ones I've read and which I haven't. And when I look back at the romances I read this year, I'm not always sure what they were about.

Mind you, I don't blame the authors--I'm pretty sure these titles are often foisted on people. Or they're cute, fun-sounding titles... they just don't do what I, personally, like a title to do. Which is remind me what the book was about!

Celebrate good times

We've hit the 6 month mark (until I return to Montreal) so here is one of my Favorite Songs of All Time. Like, all time. Like, I remember where I was when I first saw it. I'm sure I've posted it before.

This is The Roots, with some guy named Cody Chestnutt. It seems to be about a guy who's cheating on his girlfriend because he wants a baby and she doesn't. It seems so dumb on the surface, but the language focuses on this deep, biological need to reproduce. It's earnest.

But I also feel like it's a metaphor for making music: "If Mary dropped my baby girl tonight I would name her Rocknroll." Or for mashing up genres, which a band like The Roots does:

Knocked up 9 months ago
And what she gonna have she don't know
She want neo-soul, this hip-hop is old
She don't want no rock'n'roll

Or it's about trying to get ahead in the music business:

She want platinum or ice or gold
She want a whole lot of somethin' to fold
If you a obstacle she just drop ya cold
'cause one monkey don't stop the show

 Or about leaving behind a legacy, one's art:

And I'm left to shine, but the legacy I leave behind
be the seed that'll keep the flame
I don't ask for much but enough room to spread these wings
And the world gonna know my name

There's something interesting going on, lyrically.

But the music, the beat alone is like... wow. And the power and passion going into the performance... wow.



"The Seed (2.0)"
(feat. Cody Chesnutt)

[Verse 1: Black Thought]
Knocked up 9 months ago
And what she gonna have she don't know
She want neo-soul, this hip-hop is old
She don't want no rock'n'roll
She want platinum or ice or gold
She want a whole lot of somethin' to fold
If you a obstacle she just drop ya cold
'cause one monkey don't stop the show
Little Mary is bad
In these streets she done ran
Ever since when the heat began
I told the girl look here
Calm down I'm gonna hold your hand
To enable you to keep the plan
'cause you is quick to learn
And we can make money to burn
If you allow me the latest game
I don't ask for much, but enough room to spread my wings
And the world gonna know my name

[Verse 2: Cody Chesnutt]
I don't ask, for much these days
And I don't bitch, and whine, if I don't get my way
I only wanna fertilize another behind my lover's back
I sit and watch it grow roots standin' where I'm at
Fertilize another behind my lover's back
And I'm keepin' my secrets mine

I push my seed in her bush for life
It's gonna work because I'm pushin' it right
If Mary dropped my baby girl tonight
I would name her Rock'N'Roll

[Verse 3: Black Thought]
Uh-huh
Cadillac needs space to roam
Where we heading for she don't know
We in the city where the pros shake rattle and roll
And I'm a gaddang rollin' stone
I don't beg I can hold my own
I don't break I can hold the chrome
And this weighin' a ton and I'm a son of a gun
My code name is The Only One and Black Thought is bad
These streets he done ran ever since when the game began
I never played the fool
Metter of fact I be keepin' it cool
Since money been changing hands
And I'm left to shine, but the legacy I leave behind
be the seed that'll keep the flame
I don't ask for much but enough room to spread these wings
And the world gonna know my name

[Verse 4: Cody Chesnutt]
I don't beg
From no rich man
And I don't scream, and kick, when his shit don't fall in my hands, man
'cause I know how to steal
Fertilize another against my lover's will
I lick the opposition cause she don't take no pill
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-no dear
You'll be keeping my legend alive

I push my seed in her bush for life
It's gonna work because I'm pushin' it right
If Mary dropped my baby girl tonight
I would name her Rock'N'Roll
Oh-ooh break it down, break it down, break down beat

[break]
I push my seed somewhere deep in her chest
I push it naked 'cause I've taken my test
Deliver it Mary, it don't matter the sex
I'm gonna name it rock and roll
I push my seed in her bush for life
It's gonna work because I'm pushin it right
If Mary drop my baby girl, tonight
I would name her Rock-N-Roll
I would name her Rock-N-Roll
I would name her Rock-N-Roll yeah
I would name it Rock-N-Roll

I'd never wanna love you less

Whoever picks music for the show Hart of Dixie does a bang up job.

We're at the 6 month mark!

(Verse)
I wrote this song to make you feel alright today
I wrote it to make everything alright
And I would sing it every single day if you would say we’re fine

(Verse)
I can feel your heart is beating careful
‘Cus sometimes I pretend that I don’t care
I can’t believe I never let you know how much I need you here

(Chorus)
‘Cus I will fight and I will beg
I just want to hear you say
That tonight will be alright and you will stay

(Verse)
  At times I feel like you don’t know me anymore
And other times I think you know me best
I could love you better but I’d never wanna you less

(Verse)
So run away and I’ll be runnin next to you
I’d never let you run away alone
Before you run too far away I think that I should let you know

(Chorus x2)
‘Cus I will fight and I will beg
I just want to hear you say
That tonight will be alright and you will stay

(Chorus 2)
So put your hand in mine
We’ll be fine, I know
I know it, I
If you stay tonight
I promise I will show you

Ah non, mon français!

My French is slipping again! So I watched two back to back seasons of a show called La Galère, but Netflix doesn't have the other seasons. Hapoo. It's about 4 women who, with their kids, decide to live together. This is the song they play at touching moments.

fighting to the bottom of the deep

Two great songs I heard on the radio this week.

Whitehorse - Devil's Got a Gun (They do a nice cover of "I'm on Fire" too.)
I'm never going home
I'll be the only one
With daylight on my tail
And heaven on the run
Lyrics from eLyrics.net


Think of all the work you’re doing
As work that you can only understand

"Do you have a stroller for 533 children?"

Delivery Man comes out today and might be worth a look in. It's an American remake of a French-Canadian movie, but by the same director/writer. The preview looks exactly like the original.

It's about a guy who was a sperm donor years ago, and finds out he has 500 kids, a bunch of whom want to find him. He secretly starts to look them up, and gets drawn into helping them out with their lives. It's a lovely little comedy--one that takes you from a silly premise, to a touching story about our desire to feel connected and cared about. Makes me all weepy-esque.

Nano nomore

Well, I've decided to stop Nanowrimo again. Well, if I happen to write 50 000 words this month, then great--I don't want to stop writing my story. But although I'm at 16 000 words, which is still in the achievable realm for me (the perpetual late starter), it's been similarly torturous like last year. Not the same, cause I don't hate my book like last year; but there's been no fun involved. Writing is work, but there should be some pleasure.

And when I'm procrastinating I waste my time a lot. I don't want to watch really engrossing movies or work on crochet and get hooked on it, cause I'm trying to only procrastinate in ways that are easier to disengage from. The result is a lot of wasted time. A LOT. Cause it's not like I procrastinate and then spend a few really productive hours, which was my way in the past. I just keep procrastinating and procrastinating and making myself miserable.

And it's not even like the writing's going badly. It's just coming vair vair slowly.

I don't know what's the problem I'm still having. It could be...

(1) Mid-life crisis. The ole what-is-my-life 40s. And writing falls under the general heading.

(2) Writer no more: Maybe it's no longer something I want to do!

(3) Life in Limbo: I don't have my old writing desk, my writing pals, my candles, my super chair, my apartment, my two cats, my marriage... It may be that my brain associates this current life with watching TV and crocheting.

(4) Or it might be Nanowrimo, and not me. It may no longer serve my purpose. The years I succeeded I was pantsing, and it was a lot of fun. Which might suggest the problem here is my determination to plot. The only problem is the last few times I pantsed, even outside of Nano, I was very unhappy with the end result. Massive overhauling was required, and that was no longer working for me either.

The one thing I do want is a regular writing habit, so I don't want to give up working on the story. I'm glad I had Nano to kickstart me, but now I need to let a more organic process take over. In years I did Nano, I'd end up not writing at all in December cause I was worn out and ready to get back to watching Christmas movies. I don't really want to be in that spot again. I'd rather do 400 words a day and each month.

Anyway, we'll see what happens. :-)
  

Nanowrimo 2010... We brake for youthful enthusiasm

[kitteh content]

This was a weird Nano cause I lost my job early in the month. So I was free to write (and it was Minion's first nano), but there was a lot of emotional kookiness. And it wasn't long after that everything in my life started to go dooown dooown dooown. But--now they're going up up up! So... everything changes. Accept accept accept.

One continuity year to year: The sore butt.

Need dirty music to write sex scenes to?

 This is like old Prince. Old filthy Prince. ;-)

Nanos updates

So the writing was pretty TORTURous for a bit. I spent an entire day on Sunday playing ipad games and watching Dr Katz episodes. The clear signs of someone trying to NOT do something else with her time (I didn't settle into watching movies and crocheting) but still also NOT writing.

I think I didn't know what to write next. So I finally employed the old trick of just skipping to something fun. I didn't skip ahead exactly, but I focused on the romantic plot line for awhile until the political one crept up on its own. It worked great. I finally got 3534 by Monday night.

Tuesday night I was stumped again cause I needed to make Something Happen to get my plot going, but didn't know what that action should be. So procrastinating ensued. But one I got the idea, I was able to do 1585, and then write out what scenes need to happen next.

But oh that Sunday was PAINFUL. Lord I was a mess.

Here is Madame Paw Block herself. "I'll just settle down here on mahmmy's chest... Can't see your keyboard mahmmy? Wah wah wah. Practice your touch typing. But first, pet me."

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown

Did anyone watch this on PBS' Great Performances?

My current story is based on parts of Shakespeare's Henry IV & V, but I haven't managed to catch it all yet. Richard II is supposed to be excellent.

Richard II (Ben Whishaw) is a vain, self-indulgent man who rules with little regard for his people’s welfare. He is ultimately overthrown by his cousin Bolingbroke (Rory Kinnear), who ascends the throne as Henry IV (Jeremy Irons). Henry IV’s reign is marred by his own guilt over Richard’s death, civil war, and the gnawing fear that his son Hal (Tom Hiddleston) is a total wastrel unworthy of the throne. When Hal comes to the throne as Henry V he is left to bury the ghosts of his father’s past while fighting both the French forces as well as his own inner demons.

Nanowrimo 2009... Alligator Cake

Remembrance Day by way of Metallica

I've been back on the Metallica. The hero of my story is partly based on their bassist, Jason Newsted, who's long struck me as a great guy. A geek in the sense of being SUPER passionate about stuff, and not being afraid to show that passion. He looks like a tough guy...

...but you see him in interview and he's a chatterbox and such a goof that he's totally uncool...

 

which of course makes him uber-cool. He was so passionate about metal that he destroyed his neck and back through constant, massive head banging, and has had many surgeries and years of recovery.

This is to segue into Remembrance Day. When I was at university there was a wall in the old Engineering building showing the names of students killed in WWI. Then I'd go lead a seminar and think OMG these guys are that age. They would have been called up! But they're so little!!

While war does horrible things to civilians, it also does horrible things to soldiers. Even to soldiers who do horrible things to civilians. War not only kills some of the "best and brightest" but it also takes some doofussey, not very deep, maybe from bad homes 18 year olds and gives them ample opportunity to become their worst selves. And then have to live with it, live with knowing that they're capable of rape or torture. Something maybe they would never have found out about themselves, or would have had a chance to outgrow. That's another sort of cruelty.

Here's Metallica's interpretation of the anti-war book Johnny Got His Gun (great high school reading, I recommend.) And you don't need to see the movie cause it's summarized in these 7 minutes!

   

Damn car

I hate to confess it but, besides the convenience, there are some random perks that come with car ownership.

One is the ability to give someone a lift. Friends and coworkers and family gave me so many lifts over the last 20 years, it feels nice to pay it back. And Nanaimo is the kind of place where strangers at a thrift store will offer to take someone home who's got a crap load of stuff to carry. I was able to give one young woman a lift home, and finally found a use for those two camping mattresses I bought to sleep on the floor here. (She and her bf didn't have mattresses yet.)

The other perk is that I listen to radio, and discover new songs faster than I used to. Looks like the "Inner Ninja" guy might be more than a one hit wonder.

Book relief

Came across a photo of books I bought back in 2008. Such a relief to see that I have read some of them since then! Well, 9 of the 36 we bought that day.
\

The Gargoyle - Andrew Davidson: Didn't like at all.

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger: Didn't finish, didn't like.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society - Mary Ann Shaffer: First half super witty, second half cliche and badly researched.

Three Bags Full - Leonie Swann: Sheep solving a mystery--really enjoyed.

Morlante - Stéphane Dompierre: About a writing pirate. Violent but funny.
 
Monkey Love - Brenda Scott Royce : Cute.

My Lucky Star - Joe Keenan: VERY Wodehouseian. Enjoyed.

Salaam, Paris - Kavita Daswani: Okay

Millionaire: The Philanderer, Gambler, and Duelist Who Invented Modern Finance - Bored, stopped reading.

Candy crush, solitaire, Dr Katz, facebook, and my year of change

Nano is off to a slow start, though probably better than previous years. I bring my ipad to work and write about 400 words on my breaks. Then I get home and watch a show or two, debating on facebook [the good kind], watch Dr Katz on youtube, read email, play solitaire, play candy crush... It's so vair vair sad.

The first couple days were the hardest. I actually had Sun-Mon off (don't always have two days off in a row) but it's like I was having flashbacks to last November when Fernando and I broke up, or something. I'd be listening to songs while writing, or collecting songs for my playlists, and hit on some break up song and feel BLEH.

Then I noticed my meditation book and remembered that if I meditate sometimes, even for one minute, it will help relieve this stress. And I reminded myself that even if I write 400 words/day and don't complete nano, or have a big Race to the Finish, that's OKAY. So I meditated, I accepted... and the poopiness lifted.

If home is where the heart is, then it explains why I feel displaced. I can't imagine how devastating it must be to be an actual Displaced Person. But I can see things I'm still learning or experiencing by being here. So it's all good. Meditate and accept.

This calls for a song! Here are the Canadian sisters who play the daughters of a country star on my fave show Nashville.

I belong with you
You belong with me
You're my sweetheart

Nanowimo 2008: Giv'n'er

This month I'm going to share with you some of my blog posts from my previous nano months. Some years I created non-nano content in advance and posted that, and... those are boring to re-read. It's much funner to see someone being tortured for 30 days. Lesson Learned

2008

[minor cat content]

(Deaner explains what "givner" means in the movie FUBAR)