The Story of Haley Cat: An Autobiography

NOTE: Earlier Sunday I published a bunch of pictures of my old cats and myself when I was in school, and when Haley first arrived (before Evil Minion.) Those two old cats died in the last couple years. Haley says she killed them. I thought you might like to read the confession she wrote, on the eve of the second cat's death, so I also reproduced that here. So in summary: I do not have a cat with cancer. Our old tabby and our old white cat are, alas, already rolling in kitty heaven. This is just a slice of history.


A Tender Goodbye to Sherry, by Haley Teh Cat

Once upon a time there was a beautiful cat named Haley and she lived in a one-cat household, and she was...

Due to the weak and despicable nature of her original servants, she was brought to a shelter, and went to from being the ruler of all she surveyed, to being a number. A number!

I am that cat, and this is my story.

At the shelter I was forced to unleash my Great and Terrible powers

and was successfully released to a smaller shelter where I had to live with...

the wild things.

With much persuading, and by my innate photogenic qualities

I was passed on to an unwitting foster lady.

This was not my end goal, however. There was a disgusting number of dogs and cats in this house.

When lady's daughter came to visit, I sensed in her a cat-only lover, and this time unleashed my Awesome Power to Charm. ("Ooh I'm defenseless! Get me out of here!")

Needless to say this fool talked her foolish mate into adopting me, and flew me thousands of miles to her home.

Her SMALL home. Where there were already TWO OTHER CATS.

Well.

This could not be. There can only be One Cat to Rule Them All:

I tried unleashing My Great and Terrible powers and demanded they get rid of the other cats or find me a better home. But the two idiots *loved* and *accepted me as I was.* So I tried unleashing my Awesome Power to Charm. The idiots thought this meant I was finally settling in.

I drove the Striped One to pee EVERYWHERE.

But still they would not get rid of him. I picked the most EVIL BATTLES with the White One. Still no response except to incarcerate me more and more in a small room.

I bided my time. I deigned to play with the Striped One and flattered him by asking him to teach me how to jump and catch moths. Soon I learned what I needed to know--he had a weak heart. It was nothing to replace his heart medication with sugar pills, and after much patience the Striped One was gone. I did miss him a little, for even the heir to the universe likes a playmate, but he was too loved by the idiots. He could not stay.

Since October I have been able to focus all my powers on the elusive White One. The one with the power, the... Top Cat.

How I chafed and fumed under his reign of terror--the way he took the best nap spots, and beat me when playing with the cat dancer toy. But I turned those games against him by irradiating his cat dancer, leading to a final diagnosis of cancer.

Who's dancing now biatch!

Soon, very soon, it will all be over.

I shall finally move from being...

Princess of Quite A Lot

to

Queen of Everything.

White Cat, you were a worthy foe.

...but there's a new sheriff in town.

These songs are dedicated to you, old man.

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again


I am the best
I seem to stand out from the rest
My intention's
To be more than an honorable mention


stay off my back
or I will attack
and you don't want that


I'm a Killer Queen
Gunpowder, Gelatine
Dynamite with a laser beam
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

(I'd say "see you in heaven" ...but we all know I'll be somewhere warmer.)