So here's something on my mind lately...
Last year I was working a bit for an artist, but our personalities weren't meshing. She read me as someone who has a need to please, and she even implied I should be in therapy for it. ...This was weird to me, cause I'm not a particularly needy or insecure person.
Later in the year I was practicing driving with my dad; cause I haven't owned a car in over 10 years, but might need to sometimes borrow my parents car. I felt comfortable, confident. It felt natural and all the old tricks and tips and laws returned to me. But if I have someone with me who knows more than me, I like to ask questions. I like to get opinions. I would ask my dad: Did I pull in too far at this intersection? ...That sort of thing.
And my dad kept telling me, It's ok it's ok, you're doing well, you need to have more confidence in your decisions.
And I knew he was picking up on the same thing the artist did--I realized that I'm coming off as lacking confidence, indecisive, skittish.
At the new job, the co-worker I interact with the most has also said the same thing.
What's frustrating is that I don't FEEL that way. I feel just fine. I only start getting nervous when people keep telling me to calm down. Cause then I think: What the hell am I DOING that makes me come off this way? Frackity frack!
I don't fret about the actual mistakes I make... I fret over how I'm being perceived. It's annoying.
So here's what I'm wondering...
(a) Have I always been this way, and it's only showing now cause I'm in a new environment?
(b) Am I just being an exaggerated version of my usual self? For example, I am an indecisive person... I like to take time before making decisions. That is part of Real Me. But is Indecisive Moi just puffing up more cause of my depression?
(c) Is this stuff Not Me at all, and the depression/stress of the year is creating the problem?
(d) Is this partly a side effect from the medication I started 1 year ago?
I suspect it's (b) with a touch of (d). I let my co-worker know what's going on in my personal life, a little bit, so that she understands where this is coming from. She's got some stuff going on too, so sometimes we're a bit crazy when out on the floor together, and make fun of ourselves for it.
Anyway. I'm hoping this weirdness will settle itself down. But in the meantime I just have to stay in touch with Moi. It doesn't matter if someone else thinks I'm lacking in confidence, all that matters is how I feel inside. Right? Right.
8 comments:
It could just be a family thing. While I was training for my new job my manager got annoyed at me for asking lots of questions. She wanted me to be more independent and think things through. In my head I had less than a week to learn her job so it seemed ridiculous not to suck up as much of her experience as possible before she left.
As soon as I was on my own I felt perfectly confident and just did the job or figured out what I was missing on my own.
When another manager is in the office I also have a tendency to just run things past them. I try not to any more, but I realized that it is just how I think - I like to bounce my questions off someone. Sometimes I don't even need their answer, it's just to externalize the question.
Dad often thinks out loud at people, too.
So, I guess that would be option (a).
I have often had problems with being perceived the same way, so I understand and I feel your annoyance. To me, there is nothing wrong with getting a reality check or just another opinion or perspective from another person. I like to bounce my decisions off others as well. It doesn't mean I lack confidence (although I currently do a little) in my ability to decide, but having only my own perspective means I could miss something and someone else might be able to point it out.
I am sorry you have to deal with others thinking you are lacking in confidence. I empathize.
Right? Right!
Sometimes peeps make judgement calls on the visuals they're getting and then interpreting that information through their particular filters.
Mrs Widders has a particularly striking face (I think it's hot!) however, for most of her adult life people would interpret that as her being cut off/angry/distant etc. This was confusing and misunderstandings ensued. But finally she decided to stop apologising for her face, and simply speak her mind. (without being nasty or all that stuff)
Short version - if we're comfortable with our process, don't take on other people's baggage.
P.S. Mrs Widders does have a killer 'don't f**k with me' glare though! (also hot!)
I can't remember you EVER asking me "do you think this..." "how do I that..." "Should I have ...." not once in 20 years. Now, is that because we generally always agree? or because we are not teaching each other anything? So I can't comment on that part of it, but I ask questions at work all the time. I have cover-my-ass-itis. It's all about how not to make the shit stick on me. I have been told to have more confidence in my decisions too... I think it's human nature to ask questions and search for feedback. If you FEEL normal isn't that what matters most?
I find that while I am constantly trying to improve myself and what or how I do things, others just want to slide by and are therefore annoyed by questions.
It's not you - it's them. I do whatever my mood suggests, ask or not.
I'm with J3, it's them, not you. Especially if you FEEL perfectly confident, and are simply asking as an info-gathering tool.
@BrotherPaul - Yeah, when I'm on my own I feel perfectly fine making these decisions. I'm still indecisive when it comes to some areas, like spending money; but I've always been like that.
@Skye - Thank you for your Empathy. ;-) (brene!) Maybe it goes along with some personality trait we all have in common. Maybe we're just curious people.
@widders - Exactly. Like, when I talked about this with my co-worker, she said: Yeah, people think I look like a bitch! And the truth is...I see what she means. She comes off as abrupt sometimes. So I have to do the same with other people, try not to over-read into things.
@Simone - Maybe because you GIVE lots of information. Like when I was going to catsit for you, you gave me everything from a map on how to get there by bus, to how to change the thermostat. ! Maybe we just communicate the same way!
@JJJ / Julie - I gave it more thought when it was my dad, since obviously it's someone who knows me and cares about me.
...Thanks all, for the advice. I'll probably have some follow-up thoughts! :-)
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